Hedgehog
by Arachnid IV
Summary: Hedgehogs called Voldemort, offering Snape apple pie, Snape gets letters from crazed fangirls, Draco is on decent terms - somewhat - with Harry Potter. . what has hit Hogwarts? Insanity, that's what.


Harry Potter peered at the pure white hedgehog in the cage. It was curled up into a little ball and looked adorable.

"I'm gonna call you Voldemort," he said with a firm nod.

Then, he turned to the shocked shopkeeper. "..Uh. . what do hedgehogs eat?"

000

"Uh. . so apparently you don't eat chocolate. What the hell do you eat then? Uh. . onions, raisins, grapes and avocados are all a no-no. . uhm, apparently you guys can eat cat food? Seriously? Uh.. here. Try some bacon. It's full of greasy goodness."

The hedgehog glared at him.

"...No bacon? Fine then. You don't deserve bacon, you ungrateful little Voldemort beast."

A nearby first year passed out.

000

"Uh. . Professor Snape, you wouldn't happen to have seen Voldemort around somewhere, would you? I woke up yesterday and he was gone from his cage!" said a very distraught Harry Potter.

"..."

Snape looked at him as if he had just claimed to be a three-headed rhinoceros named Tim.

"VOLDEMORT!" Potter dove onto the ground, and Snape followed his gaze. . to see a white hedgehog.

Snape facepalmed.

"Aww, Voldemort, I missed you so! Never scare me like that again! Aw, you're so wovey-dovey, yes you are, oh yes, I wove you, oh yes I do, awww, you're so adorable.. Thanks, Professor Snape! Say bye-bye to Professor Snape, Voldemort. ."

Snape wouldn't be surprised if Potter was not suddenly diagnosed with Severe Annoying Stupidity Syndrome. SASS.

000

"Mate, is that a hedgehog?"

"Yeah. . but for some reason, he likes Hedwig and Hedwig doesn't like him, so I have to keep them separated or he'll like. . begin humping her. It's really gross. Bad Voldemort."

"..."

"What? Don't look at me like that."

000

"Potter, Harry!"

"Does he have the scar?"

"I don't know, I can't see. ."

"Look - the glasses-"

"He looks like his father-"

"Yes, and his father was a jackarse."

"Severus!"

"...Is that a hedgehog on Potter's shoulder?"

"..Why, Severus, my boy, I believe it is."

"...Wonderful. He's a loon."

The hat was silent as it was placed on his head. It did not move, it did not shout out, it did not do anything.

Then, it sort of twisted its clothy, tattered torso to McGonagall and said, "Get me off of his head. Right this minute. The pure - pure - - GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! GRYFFINDOR, GRYFFINDOR, AAAH! THE PAIN, THE PAIN. . I CAN'T SEE. . I'VE GONE BLIND. . WHERE ARE YOU. . MOTHER? I SEE THE LIGHT. ."

The hat then fainted dramatically.

Silence.

Unsure clapping.

The hedgehog squeaked. Harry skipped over to his new house table and energetically grabbed the hand of some random redhaired boy and began shaking it quickly.

000

"You have six siblings?"

"Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Ginny, Percy. . yeah."

". . Wow, your mom is really bored easily isn't she?"

"..."

"..."

"...Yes. Anyway, why did you. . why did you call your hedgehog - 'You-Know-Who'?"

"I didn't call him you know who. Who's you know who? I don't even know who you know who is. His name is VOL-DE-MORT. Get it right."

"..."

"..."

"...You named a hedgehog after You-Know-Who."

"...Who the fuck is you-know-who? I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU-KNOW-WHO IS, ALRIGHT!"

000

"You'll soon find that some families are better than others, Potter. I can help you there."

"..."

Draco grinned cockily, hand still outstretched.

Harry shoved Voldemort in his face. "This is Voldemort. He's a hedgehog. He has his own theme song - Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy Voldy Voldemort! Hey, where're you going, Draco? I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE KIND OF A JERK! DRACO, DRACO, DON'T RUN! VOLDEMORT'S FRIENDLY-"

000

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy Voldy Voldemort!"

One day, Harry Potter was skipping down the corridor, all alone and unsuspecting; then he encountered a door full of mysterious secrets. And of course, he simply had to open it. So he did, AND THERE WAS A GIANT THREE-HEADED DOG OH MY GOD-

And then Harry Potter got eaten.

No, just kidding.

This is actually how it went down:

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy Voldy Voldemort!"

One day, Harry Potter was skipping down the corridor, all alone and unsuspecting - except for his best friend, Voldemort, on his shoulder as usual, and he was just la de daing down the hallway, and then suddenly Draco Malfoy popped out of nowhere and challenged him to a duel.

..Wait, wait, erase that. That's not how it happened. Okay, uh..

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy Voldy Voldemort!"

One day, Harry Potter was skipping down the corridor, all alone and unsuspecting - except for his best friend, Voldemort, on his shoulder as usual. He was going to the Great Hall to eat, because he was hungry.. or something. He felt like chicken nuggets; you know, the dinosaur-shaped ones?

..Wait. That's not how it happened either. DAMN IT. Okay, fine. I DON'T NEED YOU.

000

Harry loved his hedgehog. "I love you, Voldemort. Yes, I do. Who loves Voldemort? I do! Yes I do. In fact, I will proclaim it to the world!"

He ran into the Great Hall and yelled, "I LOVE VOLDEMORT!"

Of course this would have earned a surprised reaction- people would faint and scream and bust other people's eardrums, but this was not a case. Harry Potter had been here for two years already and so it was no surprise that he just proclaimed that he loved Voldemort in front of the entire school. By now, everyone knew that Voldemort was actually a hedgehog. But they still did not dare to say His name. Because His name was scary. So when they walked past, they usually said, "Hey, Potter, Hey, You-Know-Who."

And he would respond with, "Who's You-Know-Who? I have never met a Who-Know-You in my life. . I just said Who-Know-You, didn't I? I meant You-Know-Who."

000

"Would you like some apple pie, Professor Snape?"

"..No."

"Why not? I didn't poison it. Ron didn't touch it. Hermione didn't poke it. Voldemort didn't climb into it-"

"What? .. Oh, right, the hedgehog. No, I do not want your blasted pie, Potter."

"Why not? It's deliciiioouuussss... C'mon, you know you want some-"

"FINE! Okay? Happy? Now leave me BE, Potter."

"Y'sir! Right away, sir!"

"That salute was unnecessary, Potter!"

"I do unnecessary things, Professor!"

"..Mm, this is good pie."

"I TOLD YOU!"

"I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT, POTTER!"

000

"Apple pie, apple pie, I like apple pie, who likes apple pie? I like apple pie, yes I do, applie plie, applie plie, apple pie-"

"_What _are you doing, Potter?" a very blonde Draco Malfoy asked on a sunny. . uh, let's make it Monday. It has an M in it.

"Singing 'bout apple pie. APPLE PIE IS AWESOME, OKAY?"

"...Riiight."

"I'M NOT CRAZY."

"I beg to differ."

".. If you agree with me, I will make sure by the end of this you will dominate the world."

"I do NOT beg to differ."

"Good boy."

000

Everyone knew Harry Potter was a very friendly person. He did not get mad very often and he was friends with about half the people in the school, whether just for his fame or just because he was a really awesome person. Maybe both.

But everyone also knew that out of every single person in the castle there was one person Harry seemed to like most; Snape.

Yes, I said it. Severus Snape, local Greasy Git and Bat of the Dungeons, Potions Master and rather obsessed-after Professor. You know him.

One day, Harry burst into the great hall and leapt upon the staff table, arms spread wide and Voldemort on his shoulder.

"SEVERUS SNAPE, SEVERUS SNAPE, SEV-ER-US-SNAAAAAAAPE!" he yelled, before swirling into a sort of kneel-bow on the table and holding out a letter to him.

"I come delivering message. Wait. . I will open it for you." Then, Harry took back the letter and ripped it open and proclaimed, "HEAR THEE, HEAR THEE. SEVERUS SNAPE HAS A LETTER. Bow down before your Greasy King, lowly peasants, and listen! _Dear Severus, I have dreamed, fantasized, obsessed, fanaticked- _Fanaticked isn't a word. Whoever wrote this needs grammar lessons. But that's okay. Whatever gets the point across. _and done. . other unmentionable things after you for years. But now, I have the guts to actually send you a letter and hope you claim the same love to me as I do to you. I love you, Severus Snape. Mwuah. MARRY ME YOU HOT HUNK OF GREASE. -Sarah Jenkins_ Wow, this chick is seriously- I mean.. she signed the letter with her lips. Look. It's a lipstick mark. Right here. See it, Professor?"

"YES, I saw it, Potter," he snapped, snatching the letter back.

"BROADCAST: SEVERUS SNAPE HAS GOTTEN HIS FIRST FAN LETTER! GO SEV-ER-US-S-S-SSSSS! WOOOOO!" The students cheered.

They had never seen Severus Snape look so bemused before.

The next day, Severus got another letter. And the next day after the next day, Severus got yet another letter. And the NEXT day after the NEXT day after the next day, Severus got a howler that contained a fangirlish shriek of love. And the next day after the next day after the next day after the next day. . Severus got ANOTHER letter.

And thus Severus Snape, Potions Master, Previously Greasy Git and Professor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry became the most liked person in the entire Wizarding World. . and Muggle world.

The end.

**TO BE CONTINUED. PERHAPS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW.**


End file.
